Pyongyang Lecture

Pyongyang, Democratic People’s blah blah blah of North Korea

Greetings comrades! Today I understand we are making history with me being the first non-kidnapped foreigner to be lecturing at the Kim Il Sung Center for the Performing Arts and Regimental Rifle Practice. As you all know, this convention’s theme is the promotion of World Peace through the annihilation of the wicked United States. It seems to me that with the recent financial crisis, the country is doing an adequate job of imploding without any assistance. But who am I to dissent, especially with these leg irons I am having to wear?

Anyway, let’s get started. First, a bit of personal background is in order. I grew up and was educated in the Imperialistic U.S. However, I have also lived amongst the Militarists in Japan and the American Lackeys in the south. With the exception of chronic dysentery, I am thus well acquainted with all your foes.

I will now take questions. My translator is holstering his pistol and will be writing them down in English for me to answer.

The difference between our country’s leaders? Your current numero uno, Kim Jong Il, ascended to his position only because his father had been running the country. Sadly, Mr. Kim the younger has turned out to be a mediocre and stubborn man, unwilling to alter his world views in the face of increasingly contrary evidence. By contrast, President George Bush Junior is…er…

Let’s move on to the next question, shall we?

No, the 1987 action movie Predator, that starred Arnold Schwarzenegger along with Jessie Ventura, is NOT a nominating film used for selecting our state governors. It only seems that way.

How to foment unrest in America? For Seattle, where I come from, take away everyone’s cell phone, or hold another meeting of the World Trade Organization there.

The most vulnerable place to invade America? That’s easy, Alaska. Just be sure your troops hit the beaches wearing big “Palin for V.P.” buttons. They will be warmly welcomed.

A sporting event that offers maximum propoganda value? How about holding a college bowl game here in Pyongyang? Call it “The Kimchi Bowl”. But unlike the contests in America, instead invite the two worst NCAA Division I teams. Make them play outdoors in January as a form of humiliation and punishment — treatment I understand you people take special delight in dishing out. It might even be worthwhile to lock in the Washington State Cougars to a long term commitment.

Oops, my apologies. I just realized I have left the blueprints for building a ballistic missile with multiple nuclear warheads in my backpack at the foreigner’s hotel. But don’t despair. I doubt any thief is going to slip in through the barred windows. Perhaps I could be unshackled and allowed to run over there and retrieve the documents? It will only take a few minutes. I’ll be right back…I promise!

Not so fast!

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