COBOL Help

Being a former I.T. person, I realize my Thai woman-chasing essays may be confusing for my fellow middle-aged programmers. To assist them in their own shy and awkward efforts, I’ve written some instructions in the
“ancient” COBOL programming language.

*
** Controlling function.
*
1000-DATE-WITH-THAI-LADY.

    PERFORM 1100-EVALUATE-HER-ACTION
      THRU 1100-EXIT
*
** Anything wrong with her?
*
    IF ACTION-IS-WEIRD
    OR ACTION-IS-HOMICIDAL
        IF ACTION-MAKES-YOU-HORNY
            CONTINUE
        ELSE
            PERFORM 9999-ABEND-RELATIONSHIP
              THRU 9999-EXIT
        END-IF
    END-IF
*
** How smart is she?
*
    PERFORM 1200-IQ-CHECK
      THRU 1200-EXIT

    EVALUATE TRUE

       WHEN DATE-IS-BIMBO
        SET STATUS-EASY-SAILING TO TRUE  
        CALL MAKE-YOUR-MOVE
          USING
             NICE-SMILE-EXPRESSION,
             SWEET-TALK-VOICE,
             CHEAP-BEER
         END-CALL

      WHEN DATE-HAS-SOME-SMARTS
        SET STATUS-BE-CAREFUL TO TRUE  
        CALL MAKE-YOUR-MOVE
          USING
             CONFIDENT-EXPRESSION,
             CULTURED-VOICE,
             FRENCH-SOUNDING-WINE
        END-CALL
*
** Oops! Not a woman. Abandon ship!
*
      WHEN DATE-IS-A-LADYBOY
        INITIATE EMERGENCY-SHUTDOWN
        GO TO 1000-EXIT

    END-EVALUATE
    .
1000-EXIT.
    EXIT.

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